Have you noticed it lately? I know I have. Bloody immigrants, hundreds of the bastards, swarming into our country, stealing our jobs and turning our back sheds into 7-11s. I walked up to one the other day and asked him what Don Bradman’s test average was and he didn’t have a clue. Don’t be alarmed though, the Government has a solution. It’s called the Citizenship Test and its aim is to ensure that every new citizen is as dinky di as we are.
Now the cynical among you will probably look at this as a cheap political stunt designed to assure middle Australia that Khalid is not going to move in next door. And you’d be right. What a waste of fucking time. It is election season though, and xenophobia has won more than one election in this country.
Here’s how it works. Everyone who becomes an Australian citizen will have to pass the test. But if they fail it they can resit it until they pass it. Reckon you could pass it? You can try it out here.
The reason this whole thing is stupid and pointless is that it doesn’t even address the issue that racist Australians are annoyed about, namely immigrants. It doesn’t stop people coming into the Australia even if they hate us and all we hold dear, it just stops them becoming citizens. There are 900,000 people living here currently that are not citizens. What about them?
Being a citizen seems a good thing to aspire to, but it doesn’t really stop you from living here happily. In fact, not being a citizen may even be better. Here is a list of pros and cons of not being a citizen.
Cons:
- Can’t Vote, which in my book means you also can’t whinge about anything political. This one would be devastating for me.
- Can’t get an Aussie passport. They’re pretty cool now with the hologram and all.
- Can’t run for parliament.
- Can’t get a cushy job in the Public Service or the Defence Force.
Pros:
- Don’t have to do jury duty.
- Can’t be called up to fight if there is a war and they reinstate the draft.
- Can’t get consular assistance from DFAT if you get in trouble overseas. For reasons why this is a ‘pro’ please see David Hicks and Mamdouh Habib.
I would love to see some stats on how many commodore driving, VB swilling seventh generation Aussie bogans would fail this test. I’m only supporting it if we can apply it to them too, deporting everyone who fails. Dazza Six-Pack would then be stateless and we’d have to lock him up in Nauru.
Assuming I pass that is.
5 comments:
The Bradman test average question is too obvious...to check people's real mettle you should throw in some more minor players like Peter "Sounda" Sleep and Alan "Fitter'n" Turner. If anyone gets them wrong, they renounce habeas corpus rights and are detained indefinitely in a giant esky.
Now if you excuse me, I'm running late for my Klan meeting.
Nah. Here's the real test. They should be asked about how many beers David Boon could drink on a flight to the UK - or better yet, break his record and get automatic citizenship.
I always thought they should reward anyone who makes it here on a rickety boat - that's ingenuity mate. duct tape and some plywood and voila a boat? that's so fucking aussie!
if you die trying, forget it. but if u make it here? shit, u should go straight to the head of the line, get a housing trust house in Salisbury and everything! shit, these people are more aussie then the fucking diggers - i didn't see any of thoe old fucks making it up the beach! then they gave up and called it all off, took their bat n ball n went home - piss weak! seven year-old iraqi children have done a better job breaching foreign shores!! the Don would be right behind Mr and Mrs Mohamad Akmed and their leaky boats. Howzat!?
PS My mum is an immigrant, not a citizen, but gets the vote (& the dole) and uses it elect anti-immigration pollies... go figure!
I was an illegal immigrant once, then a deported non-resident, then a permanent resident, and then a citizen. I have claimed the dole and Youth Allowance more than most, I hate the government, and I have been an activist who has attended violent protests. I don't play cricket, or surf, or talk with my mates about house prices, or bow down before the Australian army, the Australian queen, the Australian flag. I was British. Why don't politicians rant and rave about my radical politics, my dole-bludging, my inability to kick a ball straight? Because I got white skin and an English name. Too bad if I was called Mustafa.
RE: Andrew
Fuck yeah. Someone who risks his and his family's life by navigating a bathtub 1500 nautical miles should be hailed as a hero if they make it. Shit, the most dangerous thing I've ever done is not brush my teeth for three days. This is how it should be:
"Welcome to your new home mate. That was close, the crocs almost had you there. Here's your house and take away store. Have fun."
But at least the comondoor drivers drink beer! I heard that those Muslims don't drink the stuff!
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