Best of the Worst

Just had a dig through my Google docs account where I used to draft all my blog posts. Here are the posts and seeds of posts that I never finished or published...

President Hussein

Isn't he dreamy? I swear I just want to eat him up sometimes. If you're a Bush hating small el liberal you must admit it's pretty much like Christmas at the moment. Time to reflect on why I hated the Bush administration so much.

• Bush was a complete idiot who couldn't order a pizza unless he was given the order and had rehearsed it several times.
• Obama is a lawyer from Harvard who could talk the legs off a rabid pit bull and probably make it sleep with him.

• Bush pursued an exclusionist agenda with almost all the major issues he faced. Terrorism, the Middle East, civil liberties. It was with us or against us.
• Obama mentioned several times in his inauguration speech that America must...Bush was a promoter of teaching creationism in schools. Obama says he will restore science to it's rightful place.

• Bush was in denial about Climate Change.
• Obama says America will focus on renewable energies.

It's bad because we basically have two possible outcomes. Obama will do everything he says and we'll live in a perfect world for eight years, or he'll fail just like every other politician and I'll have to hate him, just like every other politician. I just don't think I can break up with him. I'd rather he die now.

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Made up facts that sound true...

One of the criteria to become a US Air Force pilot is to be able to measure, using only your fingers, a distance of three feet to within half an inch.

• The total energy release when you sneeze is approximately 1.2 Kilojoules or enough to power a digital watch for 3 days.
• Yemen is the only country in the world to specifically outlaw the Bic brand lighters after King Abdullah Bin Rashid was slightly injured when a box of them exploded as he was touring a supermarket.
• Due to the amount of Sulfur Dioxide and other sulfur based toxins emitted since the industrial revolution biologists speculate that were life to be wiped from the planet, any new ecosystems that evolved would be sulfur-based instead of carbon-based as all life currently is.
• Almost 99% of the time a modern airliner is in the air the controls are in the hands of computer systems and pilot interaction is not allowed. As this percentage increased pilots were instructed to keep their hands on the controls whenever the cockpit door was open to assure the public that they were in control.
• The total surface areas of all the paper maps in the world exceeded the surface area of the Earth in 1984.
• Almost 50 people in the United State die each year after inflating their tires with Hydrogen instead of Air. While Hydrogen tires are obviously slightly lighter, the heat and friction produced while driving causes them to explode, usually killing the driver.
• Brand name and generic drugs are required to be identical in terms of active ingredients, effects etc but they are slightly different. Drug companies insert trace elements of certain compounds into the brand name versions to track if companies are buying the generic versions and re-packaging them.
• The unit 'one foot' was originally the length of the current king of England before it was standardized in 1784. However, is has still been measured for every new king up until the last one, King George VI and the 'royal foot' can, according to law, still be used in place of the common foot in official documents. Its symbol is the ˘.
• "Globerush" is a term used in marketing meaning that the total units of a certain product currently in use exceeds the population of the Earth. Cellular phones will be the first electronics product to reach this milestone, expected to be reached in mid 2009.

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You're all fucking stupid

100% fat free is not always good. Sugar is 100% fat free.

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Notes for Dubai essay

Perfume - Men.
I think it's better that I left when I did

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Favourite Urban Dictionary defs

butterfaith
A girl who is fun, intelligent, beautiful, perfect in every way... except she's devoutly religious.

brodeo
A get-together or a party where the attendance is predominantly male.

alaskan pipeline
The act of pooping in to a condom, freezing the rubber overnight, then inserting it in to ones anus.

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Double Standards

• Female sex toy - liberate woman
• Male sex toy - desperate pervert

• Likes asian chicks - Fine
• Dislikes black chicks - Racist

...

Untitled

Mount Niggerhead

Hosted on blogger now

Hmm... Blogger got rid of FTP publishing so I moved to their hosting. So this is just a test to see if this will still show up in reader feeds.

It's getting close to federal election time you know, might be time to dust off SiA again.

Why does Australia's internet suck balls?

So now I'm back, from outer space. What's the first thing a self respecting nerd does when he moves into a new house? Internet of course. Followed shortly by rants about the Internet, which is what this is.

This is how it works in Australia. We pay heaps for our Internet. We have slow speeds. We have low data allowances. We get charged heaps for extra usage. Bottom line, we're getting screwed.

Here are some boring graphs from here. The first one is how much we pay on average, the second one is how much we get charged for using extra data.

The reason there are only a few countries on that second graph is that the rest of them don't have download limits. Not only does Australia have limits but we usually charge you a shitload if you exceed them.

Case in point is Telstra. I know they are the worse for value, but to be honest the other Telcos are not that far off them. They have an ADSL 2+ plan for $70/month with 600MB of data. I was a little unsure of just how long it would take to hit that limit so I did a little test. I downloaded a 600MB file. Total download time on my ADSL 2+ connection... 12 mins. That's right, I could use up my whole monthly quota in 12 minutes, after that, the other 43817 minutes in the month, I am charged 15c a megabyte.

Then you have the lock in contracts, the endless product bundles, the deceptive language. Plus this is all being repeated with the increasing use of smartphones (iPhone, 3G phones etc). The data caps and excess usage charges the Telcos apply to these is laughable. The pricing terms, conditions and jargon used make my head hurt.

What is the consequence of all this? We're fucking up Australia's future. We're sacrificing the long term progress of our country for the short term profits of a handful of Telcos.

The Internet changed our lives 10 years ago, now it's a part of our lives. There is so much content out there right now that should be easily accessible by everyone but instead we're all stuck in the mentality that the Internet is a privilege that should be used sparingly.

You might argue that Joe Average doesn't want 400 terraflips of Internet. That might be true now, but I bet anyone using the net now is not going to reduce their usage in the next year. The US has HD blue-ray movies for download at the moment, the average Japanese spends more time online on their phones than their home computers, the iTunes store has sold 200 million TV shows so far. It's clearly only going one way here.

I applaud the current government for investing in this new Broadband network they are all talking about. 100mbps speeds would be a very welcome addition to the market but it will be useless if it's packaged with the same crap that we currently have. I shudder to think what Telstra will charge once they can offer those speeds. The point is that for a large proportion of Australia we already have, or could cheaply build, sufficient infrastructure to access the Internet at close to world leading speeds.

The problem is the current paradigm is to charge and trick users for a service that should be cheap and easy. I have no doubt that ADSL 2+ speeds at $30/month unlimited data usage for 90% of the population could be achieved within the next 6 months and for less than a few hundred million dollars if the government put its might and money behind it.

Australia's future is not in the manufacturing, coal or automotive industries, it's in technology. It's in using our smarts and our privileged position to become world leaders in the new technologies that will emerge in the near future. The Internet is an undeniably vital part of that.

We're shooting ourselves in the foot here.

Terminator IV

Economic crisis, recession, rising unemployment. We've been hearing these terms in the news for so long now that they have almost lost all meaning, but for somethe true scale of the situation is not revealed until it affects someone close to them, someone they care so much for and would do anything to help out. Well, you can all put yourself into that category now because I, your humble blogger have just been made redundant. 

[I'll get this embarrassing matter out of the way early. You will notice a PayPal link at the bottom of this post. Please give only what you can afford]

That's right, your's truly is the latest and most important victim in the worldwide economic crisis. Looks like I'll be leaving the sunny featureless deserts of the UAE and returning to Oz. I'll have some big decisions to make in my life. Either I can sit around all day for the next six months watching TV in nothing but my jocks, or I can buy some sort of robe. 

Ah unemployment. I haven't been unemployed since I finished Uni in 2001. Even then it was on purpose. I had just spend four and a half years at being a student and didn't want to rush into a nine-to-five just yet. In the end Centrelink kept threatening to make me attend job search training where, after having finished my Computer Systems Engineering degree, I was to learn Microsoft Office so I bit the bullet and got a job. But I still remember those halcyon days. 

I wonder if things will be different this time around. Marijuana will be more expensive I expect, and social networking will allow me to keep you all updated with how my life is progressing. 

Sam Cox said "Off to bunnings for some strong rope"

But I haven't left here just yet. My one month's notice period is up at the end of this month. At that time, in the caring tradition of the UAE, my visa will be canceled, my bank accounts frozen and I will have one month to leave the country. But it's not too bad for me. It's the expats that have outstanding car or rental loans that start making inquires into the quietest way to get into Oman at this point. 

The UAE have rather simpler bankruptcy laws than Australia has. Here you simply go to jail until you can repay your debt, the assumption being presumably that it is not too difficult to get a full time job while being incarcerated. 

So, while I won't be back for a little while, keep the home fires burning and tell K-Rudd I'm coming for my $900. 

PayPal

Wanker - I'm flush with petrodollars remember?

Thirteen, Twenty Two, Too Many

Apparently we're in a worldwide financial crisis. I didn't notice at first because I'm living in a capitalist paradise earning tax-free petro-dollars but the other day I glanced at the TV and saw so many dire's, meltdown's and breaking-point's that I had to rush to Britney's twitter to make sure she was OK. Turns out she was, but the entire world's economy is apparently fucked up. 

What caused it? Greedy cunts and over-empowered morons it looks like, but playing the blame game in a time where lynchings are frowned upon is not as fun as it used to be. The real question now is how do we get out of it? And here is where the crisis has really affected me. I have no idea. 

For years I've been blogging about the ills of the world but I've had the power of self-righteous arrogance on my side. I had answers to all the problems you could think of. Global Warming? Turn to renewables and stop wasting energy. Refugees coming to Australia? Follow international laws, treat them like human beings and don't lock them up in the Australia desert. War in Iraq? Stop invading Iraq you bloodthirsty warmongers. Simple answers to complex-to-all-but me problems. But now I've hit a snag. Financial crisis? Well, just... fucked if I know. 

I sort of know what should not have happened, but I think everyone knows that and is fairly much in agreement. Wall street and the major players in the US should not have been allowed to sell junk products by repackaging dept into deceptively attractive derivatives while the banks continued to provide fuel for these junk assets through irresponsible lending thus over-inflating the worldwide market and setting us up for a big old crash. That bit is easy, the hard part is how to fix it all. 

Bail out toxic-asset riddled banks or allow them to go bankrupt? Cut down on spending or spend unprecedented amounts? Increase tariffs to protect local jobs or drop tariffs to increase global trade? Lower interest rates or higher interest rates or just right interest rates? I don't have a fucking clue, and it shits me. All the other problems of the world I had an easy answer to. Now I've got nothing. 

So in the words of a CEO to the junior IT guy after the monthly reports spreadsheet has gone missing, "Just fix it!". It shames me to say but that's how I feel. Fix this fucking mess so we can all get back to normal. And by normal I mean implementing unprecedented reforms in order to save the world from global climate change and environmental poisoning destruction. 

Because that's the fucked thing isn't it? Good things were just starting to happen environment-wise then the economy decided to shit itself. What CEO is going to spend millions on green initiatives when the good PR they would normally receive from it will almost certainly be overshadowed by the thousands of job losses they've just made. 

We're all like a hungover college kid after a big night at the casino. 11 hours ago we were $250 up and looking forward to getting the gas reconnected, then suddenly we're not sure if getting the bus to Uni is a financially responsible move considering that the $4.30 left in our jeans represents the remaining budget for the fortnight. 

What the fuck were we doing for the last 5 years? Unemployment at record lows, huge surpluses, record wages. What do we have to show for it? 8 months of stormy weather and we're hocking the engagement ring at cashies. 

Basically, we needed a good slapping and we've just had it. But I really hope this nice Mr Obama fixes it all up for us so we don't all have to start learning Mandarin, most important leader of the antipodeans excepted of course.

Return of the King

As many of you are well aware, I have been taking experimental medication for the last three months to control my anger issues. The experiment has been a failure on many counts, with several people hospitalised and many lives ruined. The real tragedy though has been the destruction of my blogitival motivation, resulting in this being my first contact with you all in so long that if I was in a vegetative state my feeding tube would have been removed. 

But unlike Terri Schiavo, I've come back from the brink of death. And starting now, I'm promising to update much more often. 

To keep you interested, here's a sneak peak of some upcoming posts: 

• Tit shots in Underbelly 2; just right or far too infrequent?
  
• Princess Die, a pun retrospective 
• Utilising your Stimulus Package - Tips for getting laid in a financial crisis
• Twitter your way to rock hard abs

So stay tuned. 

Blackwater, murderers for hire

I was recently pleased to hear that Blackwater have finally been kicked out of Iraq. 

Ever heard of Blackwater? I wouldn't be surprised if you haven't, but they've had quite a hand in world affairs of late. Basically they are the people involved when you hear the phrase 'Private Contractor' in Iraq. "Private contractor killed in roadside bombing", oh dear, was he a plumber there to restore water to orphanages? No, he is a Mercenary, a gun for hire. The role of mercenaries or PMCs (Private Military Companies) in the Iraq war has been largely glossed over but they are there in huge numbers. A 2005 report puts the number at 20,000. That's almost as many troops as the US have in Afghanistan at the moment. 

The term Military Industrial Complex refers to the relationship between the military and the private defence companies that are contracted to provide them with weapons and support. War is good for business and all that. The war in Iraq 'cost' a trillion dollars, but where does that money actually go? It has to be spent somewhere, and it is, it's spend on equipment, research, construction etc all carried out by private companies. Some genius decided that there was a huge sector of the War Machine that was unprofitably being run in house, namely the soldiers. So they have started privatising that. Hence the PMCs. 

Why would you use PMCs instead of regular Army? Well it's basically the same reason you use contractors in any situation. They guarantee the skills and they, not you, are responsible for what they get up to. Paul Bremer, the first Director of Reconstruction and Humanitarian Assistance (read Governor) of Iraq was a big fan of PMCs and in the aftermath of the invasion he gave the PMCs full immunity to Iraqi laws. As immune the US military was to any sort of criticism, they were still accountable to the military judicial system. Blackwater and the other PMCs on the other hand were immune to Iraqi law and military scrutiny. So basically they were able to do whatever the hell they wanted. 

A bunch of ex-special forces guys with shitloads of cash and a cowboy attitude were running around Iraq doing God knows what with no fear of recriminations for their murderous actions. And they were murderous. Google "Blackwater deaths" to get a sense of how these boys operated. 

Well, thank God, they have finally been banned from operating in Iraq. What did it take to get people to focus attention on them? The murder of 17 civilians in an Iraqi market. 

Prosecutors said the guards unleashed a gruesome attack on unarmed Iraqis, with the dead including young children, women, people fleeing in cars and a man whose arms were raised in surrender as he was shot in the chest.

If you want to see how these boys roll check out this video. It's not Blackwater but another PMC called Aegis. Sickening disregard for human life. Their job is to guard people, which translates into kill anyone who comes too close, be they militant or mother. 

Bastards. Good riddance to Blackwater, but it's one down, hundreds to go I'm afraid.